Only the lonely..

I tire of going to bed and waking alone. I always said I would never do that, happier in my solitude than strapped in a bed with someone who doesnt need to see me first and last. I long for a love that begins with the sun and settles in with the moon, our feet touching under the covers, stolen glances as you breathe deeply on the next pillow. Waking up in the middle of the night just to kiss and snuggle our way back to bed. This life is beautiful at times but it ain’t that. Crowing, barking, snoring, cramping, crying.. up and at it. Dishsoap, coffee water, breakfast crumbs, rain drenched animal chores done with no laughter or community, trash piles everywhere as I look around our forest, half finished projects abound, no congruity or shared creation. It is stifling. Out on the town alone, nights away alone, therapists you have never cared to ask about, therapists you never met period, no doctors appointments, dentists or play dates for you. It must be so freeing to have work hours and get paid and praised for your expertise. Shhhhh. Better be quiet though or else the truth will set up a situation where the overwhelm and lack of interests grows. So I sit with it. I swallow it until I burst with it. I crave so much more connection and a deeper life with you yet I fear those things will never be of enough interest to make any quantifiable changes…unless I make those plans, initiate those talks or finally fall apart from the banality of it all… nada. Life is too busy for me and for us most of the time but there is always time for what anyone truly wants. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to be wanted so deeply the very best thing in life is for someone to slip in next to me and feel at home. I don’t feel that. I really dont. For now, all I can do is lay in the mourning sounds as I cry for the babies in the basement of Ukranian hospitals. I let it all wash over me like a glacier fed river only to find moss covering my mouth and thorns around my heart. I want to break wide open and flood the world with a love it has never seen and yet this crippling loneliness kills all. I love you so much and I wish you could see how this pulls a petal a day away from our flower…I hope the soil is rich enough to continue to sprout anew. I want to grow old with you but if I am going to do it alone, I would rather just do it alone.